i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
