The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
