those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
