I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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