I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
