I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
