Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
