So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
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