Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
