3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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