I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
