so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
