Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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