After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
