Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
