I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
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I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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