I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
We got so high we made milksteak
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
