I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
