Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
