it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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