Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
try to milk me bitch
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