420 ftw
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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