The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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