Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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