You made me cry and you don't even care
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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