i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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