i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
