The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
