i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
