The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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