Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
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