he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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