Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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