Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
