This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
