there's paper in my vomit.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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