Can i not drive my cunt home
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
