Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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