I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
