He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
