3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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