i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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