clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
