If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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