saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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