I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
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Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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