The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
