remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
