he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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