did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
