chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
People in love make me want to vomit
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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