i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
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I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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