Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
