This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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