Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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