Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
