Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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