its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
