Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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