alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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